i'm 19 and entering uni =(

Firstly thanks to everyone who wished me on my birthday! And to everyone who conveniently forgot as well. Maybe i expect too much from some people. I mean, i should know by now, how much i mean to them and why should i expect anything more? But oh well, not going to ruin the day!

Anyway, on the university front, i've accepted nus. Its a concurrent in Bachelors in Business and and a Masters in Public Policy! I had been offered Biz+Acc in NTU. And law and business (conditional) at SMU. I got SMU's scholarship. And i was really tempted to accept it. BUT, since i was offered nus dean's scholarship, that really tipped it for me to accept. It was a difficult choice, and i'm sincerely hoping that i made the right choice. The course almost makes it fine for me to not go to US.

And i'm really proud of myself. I managed to get the whatever i wanted, locally at least! All my first choices. And on my own merit. I managed to get everything despite all the problems i faced, all the obstacles from primary school, to the ones before my A level papers.

People say they are proud of me, but many dont act in ways that would show it. BUT, it doesn
matter to me. I'm really happy! And i will show only this happy side to everyone! The sadness and worry i have, i have tried to swollow. It hasnt been easy, but i think i'm becoming numb to it.

Anyway, we had coach's sendoff party and ended up spending alot of time with vjsg. It has its fun moments definitely! And i have been pulled into nus's sangae. :( well, i dont know what it is installed for me. HOPEFULLY, its fun and i get to meet some nice people. I shouldnt be sooo apprehensive about it. I'll try being more positive! =)

oh well, i'm 19. My last teen year. Eeks.

Where is the love?

Zarre Zarre Mein Usi Ka Noor Hai
His might radiates from every particle,
Jhak Khud Mein Woh Na Tujhse Door Hai
Look within; He's not far from you
Ishq Hai Usse To Sab Se Ishq Kar
Ishq Hai Usse, To Sab Se Ishq Kar
If you love him, love everyone
Is Ibadat Ka Yehi Dastoor Hai
Thats the essence of worship
Is Mein Us Mein Aur Us Mein Hai Wohi
Is Mein Us Mein Aur Us Mein Hai Wohi
He is amongst us and around us
Yaar Mera Har Taraf Bharpur Hai ..
My pal, he is omnipresent.

We come up with such beautiful lyrics about God and his love.
"Ishq hai usse toh sab se ishq kar" has to be one of the MOST beautiful lines.
It succintly summarises everything that most religions say
everything that humanity should stand for, but unfortunately doesnt.

There is no peace among us today. From a simple household to a nation, we are engulfed in conflicts, riots and warfare. Love and humanity are lost virtues.

The sad fact of reality today...

And thats that.

The past week's been good. Met up with a few people, some planned, some accidentally. Few were AWKWARD. Others were good.

I wanted to write about our chanced meeting and wrote two paragraphs. Then I realised, for someone who cares so little to acknowledge my presence, why should I even bother having a post about a meeting.

But it was a nice reminder why I did what I did and how I am right. Thanks for that :)

Anyway, Mahi you're always complaining how my posts carry either Anu/Sid and Sanju's names. And when I'm mentioning your younger sis, why i never mention you. Happy 23rd birthday Mahi. I love you my dearest "didi". Grow old. And pass my love to Mahesh as well. Mahi Mahesh, I still maintain it sounds cheesy and like brother-sister. But oh well.

Anyway, Anu i know your reading this. And yes maine usse baat karke bohut din ho chuke. Woh teek toh hai? And gift mahi something from me. A stethoscope or something?

Tranquil and thankful

I havent blogged in quite a while. Not that there was something so spectacular worth blogging anyway. Well, even if there was, I just wasnt in the mood. And no, i'm not emo.

I'm really thankful. Honestly, from the bottom of my heart - thankful. To so many people, my mom, my dad, ramesh mama, giri mama, jayshree mami, my teachers, friends, Sid, Anu, Sanju, anyone and everyone who helped me sail through some of the toughest times in my life. People who have been part of my life. People i have never appreciated or said thank you to.

Yes, march 6th went well. Better than expected actually. I couldnt have asked for better. The grades arent proportionate to effort, not to capabilities either. I dont know, i guess its a mixture of luck and fate. While i'm not a believer in God much, i do believe in luck and fate. Some things are just not in our hands, whatever you may attribute it to. God's will, luck, fate, destiny - all somewhat the same.

March 6th wasn a proud moment for me. Yes, it was a exhilarating moment, but not proud. It wasnt something i deserved in any way, so whats there being proud about? But yes, i was happy. Happy that others surrounding me were happy for me. My mom was elated, dad proud. Rest of the family jubilant. That gave me the sense of satisfaction. I was elated when i heard my results (yes i got to know before seeing the slip), I jumped up and down.. i was smiling like an insane person. But that sense of happiness only lasted a few hours. After that, the happiness was seeing people around me be happy. Be it my school friends, my teachers, parents and family. I guess thats what true happiness is all about, seeing others around you happy.

Throughout my life, i sought to live up to expectations and standards met by others. More often that not, i actually surpassed their expectation at crucial moments. Sure, my grades till prelims were dismay and my parents complained, but when it mattered, i made them happy. Seeing their proud faces and hearing my dad talk that day is something i'll always remember. always.

Anyway, to those that havent done as well, life's more than results. Yes it is. I'm going to look back at my JC days and remember the soccer girls, trainings on the field, hockey table, the tables outside the library, the teasing and all those moments i bunked class or lecture. I'm not going to remember the rare few moments in 2 years i sat in the library mugging. I'm going to remember the various times i slept in the library. And i'm sure its the same for everyone out there. Results are important, just not the most important thing. Anyway, i'm not the best person to talk about this. Actually probably the worst.

Days following the result, life returns to normal. I want to call a few people to talk but i cant. I want to ask people how there are doing, but i cant articulate. So if you are one of the few and has read this (highly unlikely that someone actually reads my blog except u few) then PLEASE drop me an sms. Just a hello or something like that! =))

On a brighter note, I LOVE RAHMAN. congrats on GG, Oscars and filmfare (pfft). I love his music. Jai Ho was the song on repeat on my way to school. And i LOVE Latika theme. Not to mention Oooooooo Saiyaaaaaa. Ok, you get the point.

Anyway, Happy Belated Birthday Siddhart. I love you to bits. And though Sanju would probably scorn, i love you more than her. And you love me more than i love you. :P Its nice to have one person in the world i can tell that too. =)) p.s the last time i checked, people normally gift the birthday boy presents, why is it not that way in our case?!

Bye Bye 2008.

My very last post of this year. I wanted to do a recollection but i dont have that much time. Prolly do it tmr or smt.

Anyway, thanks for a wonderful 365 days. 8760 hours. 525600 minutes. 31536000 seconds.

I cant say every second was worth it, but i'm sure the majority were. (=

One team - always.

2008 draws to an end and yesterday was team nite.

i was contemplating blogging about 2008 as a whole.. but then again, team nite deserves a post on its own.. so here's dedicated to team nite.

Team nite was a blast. The performance was very cute. Gen makes a good MC. what a coincidence.. i was the MC for our team nite too and now my mentee for mine.. hahha.. ok ok.. and then the protrayal of me by Grace Su was ermmm not like me :p but whatever, it was exaggerated and CUTE. She'll make a good commander one day. LOL her i feel her bollywood vibe coming up and the twinkle twinkle dance was sooo damn hilarious. Ooohhhh Bethany was adorable as Carrot and Tixi too.. hahaha...Coach's dance at the end was L-O-L.

And i met my future queen, my army which was adorable. All of them had face paint of 'S' on their forehead. Sneha's Army. Damn proud.. self recruited themselves.. haha! And then there was picture takings. Alot. Camera in india so i'm relying on everyone else to send me photos. And then there was the BFF! performance and speeches and gifts.

I truely LOVE the gifts you guys gave me. The passport, the cigarette box with the notes, ur personalized notes... EVERYTHING. Honestly, i was really touched simply by the efforts you guys put in.

Soccer really became an important part of my 2008. I don't think of us as a redeem team, cause i don't think there was much to redeem in the first place. I mean we lost in 2007 fairly. It was like any other competition. It did not belong to us rightfully. Next year, the title will be up for grabs again, we'll be defending ours, thats all. But that being said, i agree about the one thing. Failure is a second chance at success. It is.

I said it the day of our finals, it was never about the gold medal, it never will be. If we went into the competition chasing for the gold medal, we'll lose out on many more important things. We'll have to learn to enjoy every moment. Its a journey afterall. Its not a matter of losing and winner, first place and second place.

I'm thankful for the journey because of all i've learnt and got out of it. haha. not the gold medal.

WTF

I'm not fine. Not at all. I've made a blunder yesterday, and i dont know what price i'm going to pay for it. When one thing goes wrong, why does everything else seem to follow suit?

All i need now is a friend, someone i can cry too.. someone i can speak to uninhibitedly. someone with whom i can let my facade down. Someone who'll listen and not judge. And the only god damn person i know is in US.

I await a new opportunity.

Dammit, i really wanna go.......